So what have I been doing instead of posting blogs? Well, I'm glad you asked! Let's backtrack a bit. Blind Al showed up. If you don't Blind Al, she's an old friend of Mr. Wilson's. (I think he kidnapped her or something. I don't know, he never tells me these things). She's an old woman with a lot of spunk, but she's really nice. At least to Mr. Weasel and I.
Miss Hill (the love of my life who is still having sexual relations with Mr. Bear - aka Wolverine), had a scandalous sex tape! She claims it wasn't a sex tape, but it was close enough. I have it downloaded on my computer. ...Uh. Give me a second. I'm going to go watch it.
Okay, I'm back. Anywho, The Blue Bird Tabloid (I'm not sure if it's a newspaper or a magazine, all I know is they somehow have cameras all over the place and can see everything everyone does. Kind of creepy, I know) did a full story on it. Mr. Wilson made a comment about her being "Edward Scissor Tits." But that involves too much information on Mr. Bear having sex with her, and I really don't want to go into that. Thoughts of him touching my woman is just...Rage pulses through these veins. (I hope that was evil enough to kind of show off to Miss Hill. If you're reading this, HI MISS HILL!).
Oh! Mr. Wilson also got a new car. Her name is Minty (it's mint green, although I think it's red and black now, yet still has the name minty. Hm. Weird). He gets a free car wash whenever he gets blood on it. How badass is that?
What wasn't badass was Mr. Wilson pimping me out. I mean this literally. He dressed me up in knee high hooker boots, a skirt, and a boa. Then, he threw me on a street corner. Why did he do this, you might ask. Because I said I wanted to pimp myself out on this one website. I only said I was going to do it because Thor did it. I mean, come on, the Almighty Thor pimped himself out, I thought it was at least worth a shot. Mr. Wilson took it a little too far obviously.
Finally, we celebrated Mr. Wilson's 30-something Birthday! It was February 10th. We had this huge party, Mr. Weasel got laid, and Mr. Cable - aka Mr. Wilson's bestest friend in the whole wide world, also known as the Messiah - hosted it. I think he got in some big trouble for that. But eh, what do I care? I'm badass and don't care about anyone but myself...and my kids......and Mr. Wilson.........and Miss Hill............and Miss Widow...............and Commander Rogers. Okay, so I care about other people and I'm not as badass as I want to believe I am. Sue me.
...Don't sue me. I'm still settling the divorce with my wife. (That's right, I'M SINGLE, LADIES! Lots of emphasis, yeah.)
This all happened a month or so ago. As of late I have met Tito - aka Little Mr. Wilson. He's the Mini Merc with a Mouth, and is apparently a child version of Mr. Wilson from a different universe. He's a good kid when he's not beating me up or distracting me from my SHIELD agent duties. To him, I'm Awesome Uncle Bob. Pretty cool, huh? I also met Ultimate Mr. Wilson, but he was a little too...I don't know how to describe it, so I won't even try. Moving on...
Mr. Wilson was also a participant in the Effahero poll. (I wasn't on it. Wonder why.) He didn't win, unfortunately. Actually, he didn't even make it on to the Top 50, but Mr. Bear made like 11th place. (I know. Ew.)
And finally, I met Mr. Iron Fist (Fell free to post any fisting/porn jokes in my comments. Heh heh). He's a cool guy with awesome fisting powers! Only bad thing about him is he made me be nice to Spider-Man. I hate Spider-Man. He's such a...he's a lot of bad words. Anyway, Mr. Iron Fist, Tito, and I got ice cream. Bonding moments that shall never be forgotten.
I think that's all for now! See you guys next time.
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