Living on a Thin Line. (Ha!)

It's been more than half a year since I last updated my blog. That's just how busy I am doing... SHIELD... work. Yeah, let's go with that. HAIL SHIELD!

Hmm, so where to start...

Miss Hill - aka Maria Hill, also known as the woman I am still hopelessly in love with - might actually give me a chance! I feel bad for her (her and Mr. Bear - aka Wolverine - broke up), but I can't help but be kind of happy to know that maybe I'll be her rebound. That is if Mr. Wilson - aka Wade Wilson, also known as Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth - doesn't sweep her off her feet. But he wouldn't do that, right? I mean, we are friends after all. ...Oh, who am I kidding?

Anywho, Miss Hill and I went on a wild ride! No, not that kind of ride. She was upset after the break up and needed to get her feelings out (I know, like Miss Hill actually has feelings, but she does). It scared me half to death, but whatever doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. And whatever brings me closer to Miss Hill is totally worth it!

We also have a new agent, Mr. Coulson - aka the Avengers' Supernanny. I don't think he likes me much, but that might be because he is hopelessly in love with Miss Hill too. During Halloween on the SHIELD Helicarrier, he pulled me off to the side and warned me about... you know, I don't really remember. Something about putting up with me only because Miss Hill likes me, but he had no problem shooting me. I used to be a double agent; I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!

Besides that, Halloween was pretty good. Mr. Wilson stuffed me into a bag and I got to see Miss Hill dressed up as Wonder Woman. Hubba. Hubba. Enough said, moving on.

Other than that, I've been spending time with my kids, Terry and Howie. I know, I'm a great dad. ...Women like men who are responsible fathers, right? Because I am one responsible father. ...Like me. Please.

P.S. I updated my header (you know, because I'm not HYDRA anymore, I'm SHIELD). What do you guys think?

P.P.S I just realized Mr. Wilson hasn't shot me in three weeks. CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!

This is, like, long over due.

I have fallen a little behind in updating my blog. Oops. I am going to blame it on the rad adventures Mr. Wilson - aka Deadpool, also known as the Merc with a Mouth - and I have been having, instead of my own laziness. Bob, THE AGENT OF SHIELD, lazy? As if. 

So what have I been doing instead of posting blogs? Well, I'm glad you asked! Let's backtrack a bit. Blind Al showed up. If you don't Blind Al, she's an old friend of Mr. Wilson's. (I think he kidnapped her or something. I don't know, he never tells me these things). She's an old woman with a lot of spunk, but she's really nice. At least to Mr. Weasel and I. 

Miss Hill (the love of my life who is still having sexual relations with Mr. Bear - aka Wolverine), had a scandalous sex tape! She claims it wasn't a sex tape, but it was close enough. I have it downloaded on my computer. ...Uh. Give me a second. I'm going to go watch it. 

Okay, I'm back. Anywho, The Blue Bird Tabloid (I'm not sure if it's a newspaper or a magazine, all I know is they somehow have cameras all over the place and can see everything everyone does. Kind of creepy, I know) did a full story on it. Mr. Wilson made a comment about her being "Edward Scissor Tits." But that involves too much information on Mr. Bear having sex with her, and I really don't want to go into that. Thoughts of him touching my woman is just...Rage pulses through these veins. (I hope that was evil enough to kind of show off to Miss Hill. If you're reading this, HI MISS HILL!).

Oh! Mr. Wilson also got a new car. Her name is Minty (it's mint green, although I think it's red and black now, yet still has the name minty. Hm. Weird). He gets a free car wash whenever he gets blood on it. How badass is that? 

What wasn't badass was Mr. Wilson pimping me out. I mean this literally. He dressed me up in knee high hooker boots, a skirt, and a boa. Then, he threw me on a street corner. Why did he do this, you might ask. Because I said I wanted to pimp myself out on this one website. I only said I was going to do it because Thor did it. I mean, come on, the Almighty Thor pimped himself out, I thought it was at least worth a shot. Mr. Wilson took it a little too far obviously. 

Finally, we celebrated Mr. Wilson's 30-something Birthday! It was February 10th. We had this huge party, Mr. Weasel got laid, and Mr. Cable - aka Mr. Wilson's bestest friend in the whole wide world, also known as the Messiah - hosted it. I think he got in some big trouble for that. But eh, what do I care? I'm badass and don't care about anyone but myself...and my kids......and Mr. Wilson.........and Miss Hill............and Miss Widow...............and Commander Rogers. Okay, so I care about other people and I'm not as badass as I want to believe I am. Sue me.

...Don't sue me. I'm still settling the divorce with my wife. (That's right, I'M SINGLE, LADIES! Lots of emphasis, yeah.)

This all happened a month or so ago. As of late I have met Tito - aka Little Mr. Wilson. He's the Mini Merc with a Mouth, and is apparently a child version of Mr. Wilson from a different universe. He's a good kid when he's not beating me up or distracting me from my SHIELD agent duties. To him, I'm Awesome Uncle Bob. Pretty cool, huh? I also met Ultimate Mr. Wilson, but he was a little too...I don't know how to describe it, so I won't even try. Moving on...

Mr. Wilson was also a participant in the Effahero poll. (I wasn't on it. Wonder why.) He didn't win, unfortunately. Actually, he didn't even make it on to the Top 50, but Mr. Bear made like 11th place. (I know. Ew.)

And finally, I met Mr. Iron Fist (Fell free to post any fisting/porn jokes in my comments. Heh heh). He's a cool guy with awesome fisting powers! Only bad thing about him is he made me be nice to Spider-Man. I hate Spider-Man. He's such a...he's a lot of bad words. Anyway, Mr. Iron Fist, Tito, and I got ice cream. Bonding moments that shall never be forgotten. 

I think that's all for now! See you guys next time. 

Bump in the night, although I got it in broad daylight.

I recently just woke up from a terrible - and I mean TERRIBLE - night of sleep. Who caused this awful pain? None other than Wolverine. Who does he think he is? News Flash, buddy: you're short and have to jump to headbutt me, which means you shouldn't headbutt taller people! The bump that he left is still sore and I don't think I'll be able to see straight for at least another week. The next time I see Miss Hill - aka Maria Hill, who I think I might be falling in love with - I am so telling on him. I was just trying to protect her! He keeps ruining her things and she doesn't deserve that.  

But on the brighter side, I finally found Miss Hill's dog tags, which were hidden behind the light switch. Sneaky Miss Hill, making me actually do labor. Thank goodness I was an A+++ student in wood-shop back in high school. She was so proud of me! I could feel myself blushing underneath my HYDRA uniform. (I haven't been issued a SHIELD uniform just yet so I'm still in this one. I don't know if I'll really take off my HYDRA one though. I have grown rather attached to it.) Anyways, Maria was so proud that not only did she tell me "Good job" (I know, I squealed too), she is now teaching me how to run a mission! I watched Miss Sharon Carter - aka Agent 13 from SHIELD - run the assignment from the coordinator room (I think that's what it's called). It. Was. Amazing! And Miss Carter is an attractive woman too! She reminded me a bit of Outlaw, just classier and less southern. I don't even know if Outlaw is really southern. Truth be told, I don't know much about Outlaw at all except that she has a nice -- okay, what was my point again? 

Oh, right. So the reason I was watching Miss Carter work was because I was one smart cookie and tricked Madame HYDRA - aka Miss Viper known for her squid-like appearance - into thinking I wanted to be her double agent. Ha! I fooled her. She told me all the information I needed to know and then I relayed that message to Miss Hill. Oh, Miss Hill was very pleased with me, I could tell! (I think I'm on my way to becoming her number one agent!) Anywho, Miss Hill, Wolverine (That SOB) and Captain -- er, Commander Rogers went and took down the base. But apparently Madame HYDRA wasn't there or got away or something so I fear what happens next. 

Hopefully Mr. Wilson - aka Deadpool known as the Merc with a Mouth - will show up and save my keister like he usually does! 

Opponents Beware, Opponents Beware. I'm coming. Like Washington.

Hi! My name is Bob and I'm an Agent of SHIELD. HAIL SHIELD! It's been less than a week since my last post and already so much has happened. And in the upcoming days, I'm going to have to be a real man! Because Wolverine, you has some 'splaning to do. But I'll get to that in a moment.

So, Mr. Wilson - aka Deadpool known as the Merc with a Mouth - kidnapped me again. He also shot me. Again. In the hand. .................Again. And the foot this time as well. I can barely walk, let alone hold a gun, so Miss Hill - aka Maria Hill known for her manliness apparently (I don't see it) - has me doing mental exercises. I'm not sure which is worse, mental or physical training, but I'm beginning to hate both! Unless Natalia Romanova - aka Black Widow - is teaching me. (She kissed me! It had to have been one of the best kisses - if not best - of my entire life. Thank god my wife doesn't read this.)

Anyways, Miss Hill's mental exercises consisted of scenarios in which I had to tell her how exactly I would get in and get out without being noticed. Her advice: be confident! (Needless to say, I'm going to fail that physical exercise when we get to it.) She didn't like my Mission Impossible answers, to say the least. I wonder why. I thought they were clever and cute, kind of. (But I'm sure Miss Hill likes real manly men, which I'm not...I mean, I am! Of course I am. Only manly men listen to the Carpenters and admit it!) For example, Miss Hill would say I was at a post office - how would I get in unnoticed and retrieve whatever it is that is needed? It took me a few tries, but I'm starting to get the hang of this SHIELD work.

So in regards to my earlier comment about Wolverine, it seems I have grown attached to Miss Hill. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad, but I do know that I don't like Wolverine shoving her around and ruining her office. It was a wreck when I went to look for her dog tags. (Which, no, I have yet to find. It's a hard task, okay? Give me a break.) Her desk was slashed and she had tons of holes in the wall. It was terrible; like a bad set from a horror film or something! So, with Mr. Wilson's help I'm off to interrogate him. Because, dammit, I am a man! And I am a badass! (Or at least that's what Miss Hill keeps telling me.) Watch out, Wolverine, because here comes Bob!

A New Day Begins - Agent of SHIELD!

Hi! My name is Bob and I used to be an Agent of HYDRA. HAIL HYDRA! But that all changed recently when the nicest woman on the planet, Maria Hill, asked me to be her double agent. The insurance co-pay is only, like, ten dollars. My wife said that it would be the dumbest decision of my life if I didn't take the offer. So, I did.

I was sneaking out one night to meet with Miss Hill when, of course, I was caught by Madame HYDRA aka Miss Viper who told me to return to my quarters. Unfortunately, she heard me talking to Miss Hill and followed me. Then she tried to kill me! And where was Mr. Wilson - Wade Wilson, aka the Merc with a Mouth known as Deadpool - when I needed him the most? Eating, if I recall correctly. The one time I wish he did come kidnap me!

Anyways, Miss Hill, Natalia Romanova aka Black Widow, and Nick Fury came to my rescue. And after being tormented and thrown around for a bit, especially by Wolverine, I am now an Agent of SHIELD. HAIL SHIELD! Pretty cool, huh? (That means you can't try to kill me anymore, Wolverine. Miss Hill said so!)

Miss Hill has been training me since. I shot a gun at a shooting range, and this time I wasn't Mr. Wilson's target. (Oh, and yeah, Miss Hill touched me. It was pretty awesome.) We went swimming in an icy cold pool. (Miss Hill in a bathing suit was definitely a nice sight to see. I don't know why everyone thinks she's so manly.) And as of right now, Miss Hill has started a new training exercise where she hides her dog tags somewhere in her office and I have to be mysterious and somehow sneak in, make sure she doesn't notice me, and then retrieve the dog tags. Yeah, I'm totally going to fail this one.